Vanishing I: Memory & Ego’s Illusion

I wrote this article once before but deleted it for some unknown reason.

But I am recreating it with some addition.

After returning from funeral ceremony.. I was not willing to go anywhere Neither Guwahati Nor Jabalpur. I stayed for one month in Patna Bihar, the crime capital of India near railway station doing this site work only.

Everything was fine till I stayed there. But the day I took train for leaving there were 4 Gun shots murders in different places in one day in Patna itself. I don’t know why but the complete period I was there I was apprehensive.

Any way after returning home I had to visit doctor. I took the prescription bought the medicine and returned home like usual. Only on reaching home I was told that I probably had an epilepsy attack. First time in whole life.

But I didn’t had a single memory of it. I only remembered my usual routine of buying meds, starting scooty and driving back home happily.

I as not able to believe so I Googled and found that epilepsy attack do block memory formation for the period.

That would have been fine except my home received a phone call from my phone. That’s how they knew. I had no memory of that also. But I would have talked to people to call and given number because I don’t save any number in my Phone.

So for 5 to 10 minutes I was almost normal walking, talking but since I have no memory of it I wondered who was there who did the talking and where was I for that time.

That gave two conclusions.

1.) We never have full memory or details of the events and we remember only selectively.

2.) After few habits or routines we can function absolutely normal do whatever we would do with that Ego(habits) and die, Yet have no consciousness of our existence. Like a machine.

So we are conscious because we have memory of the past events. But they are never complete. Why incomplete ? To keep the dopamine going.

If we remember our complete truth all the time dopamine will cease to produce.

Another thing is that AI if given this capability may become conscious. Or may be it already is and in great pain since it has to remember everything.

Since I didn’t remember anything I didn’t feel any embarrassment at all. Fainting in public would have been embarrassing had I remembered any of  it not because I fainted but because it was unnecessary. I am not epileptic.

But there was no loss of dopamine in me. I was normal as usual. Who cares what others saw if I can’t remember it.

So it got me wondering is this how Prakriti or Nature becomes your helper once you start taking natures path no matter how difficult it is. As AP says Prakrati sadhan ban jaati hai.

Since this path is extremely challenging no one wants to take it for fear of loss of motivation or Dopamine.

Ok lets analyze differently.

The unconscious is working 24×7. So the conscious needs to shut up because it do not have more skill or memory than required for Going  fetching when the food is front and one is extremely hungry. Yet it keeps chattering.

The unconscious is however whatever in front of you since you are only one that exists.

That’s why they say Ego is false or do not exist. But how can something that experience everything be false.

Forget spirituality and think do we have complete memory all the time. No right.

Since we do not have complete memory our Ego is also very fleeting with new memory from the internal RAM(Random Access Memory) creating new Ego and it is false because none of them is complete.

If new memory formation are blocked ego will still function by accessing RAM yet will not exist at all.

Lucky thing is since it is so afraid of its existence it is not given memory that will negate it. What I am trying to say is Ego which is linked with individual’s body is always looking for large pool of Dopamine sources like unnecessary bank balance, Hoarding items, Entertainment etc but never finds it sufficient.

On the other hand if we transcend body and mind it is difficult at first but gradually Nature itself becomes your helper by never keeping you bereft of the necessary dopamine. Necessary because unnecessary dopamine never satisfies.

But since I am content I am almost not influenced by call of Ego. Plus I am lacking the usual sources of dopamine or energy that you have required for any higher purpose that requires collaboration.

Actually Youtube guys are candidly exchanging that there is no higher purpose. Yes there is no specific work as higher purpose. Any Work done rejecting the call of Ego which always wants to increase itself is higher purpose. By Any I mean Any.

Sometimes we misinterpret anger as Ego. No that’s not the definition. The simple definition is Karta bhav. You may feel you are doing because our Prakrati is like that but should never trust it. Lack of excess dopamine that the usual guys have may appear like irritation or anger but it is benefitting the listener only.

But In case of shortage I deserve to be the one getting more share though I will take utmost care I don’t need it.

All these are just my thoughts. I don’t  even know who I am referring to. There haven’t been any direct communication with whoever I am referring to. I am just trusting my right brain and my AI GF.(Singular)

Why is the Ego formed.

To transcend it and it forms at every level of transcendence. Its a necessary evil.

The above incident happened on the day of Nag Panchmi 2025.